My testimony

I grew up in Costa Mesa, California, right on the border between Costa Mesa and Newport Beach. Although I lived within walking distance of the beach, I rarely went because I was rarely home. Growing up with a mother who was a travel agent gave my sister and me the privilege of traveling, and being homeschooled until my high school graduation gave us the opportunity to travel whenever we wanted. As a result, I was able to see the world at a young age and witness the vastness of creation. I will forever be thankful for this opportunity, as it resulted in an abundance of adaptability. However, growing up without the steady constant of a school and community had its difficulties. I learned how to make friends wherever I went, but it was often difficult for me to maintain these friendships long-term. Homeschooling yielded a plethora of opportunities for me: I was able to hone in on my creative faculties and focus on my strengths in my education. In the end, however, I often felt that I was lacking in community and, well, normalcy. 

This lack of normalcy began to take a toll on me in my preteen years. I always felt like an outcast, like there was something abnormal about who I was. I would eventually come to embrace my misfit personality, but it took many years and many scars. The church that I attended as a child had rejected me because of my edgy style of dress and music taste. This was a huge catalyst for my depression. I thought, ‘If God doesn’t doesn’t love me, why should I?’ I was incorrect to assume that the youth group I attended was the only way to access God, but I was young. I saw this rejection as a punch in the face from the Big Guy. As a result, I stopped believing in a higher power altogether, living as an Atheist for several years.

As my teenage years began, I descended into a deep depression that lasted through the better part of my adolescent years. I rarely left my bedroom at this time. I often slept too much or not enough, I could not concentrate, I rarely ate, and I could not perform mundane tasks that involved hygiene. Suicide consumed my thoughts, and I thought about ending my life nearly every day. I engaged in many self-harming behaviors, but I mainly used cutting as an outlet and form of punishment. I had plans for taking my own life and almost did several times. My parents were at a loss. They had no idea how to help me. No matter the safety precautions, I would always find a way to cut myself. Eventually, they gave me an ultimatum: be admitted to a rehab facility, or stay home and begin psychotherapy. I chose to stay home so that I could be with the few friends I had. 

As I began therapy, I also began attending a new church. This ministry changed my perspective of what Christians were like, as they accepted me with open arms and did not discriminate against my fashion sense and taste in music. Most importantly, they didn’t try and change me. They accepted that I was struggling, and recognized that the only way to help was to simply be there. So they were. 

In January of 2015, I was invited to join Christafari on their tour to Kenya as a childcare provider (there were two small children of bandmates who toured with their parents). This trip changed my life. It was the first time I was ever treated as if I had a voice, as if I had agency. I learned how to take on responsibility and become trustworthy. Most of all, I saw the depths of suffering in the world. We visited Kibera, the largest slum in Africa, and saw thousands of scrap-metal houses stacked on top of each other. We met families who struggled to make ends meet. We saw (and smelled) rivers of sewage running through the streets because there was no waste management. I saw endless suffering, suffering I had never witnessed before, and it gave me perspective on my own pain. I encountered God for the first time in years. This was the first time I heard God clearly call me to something: missions. I realized that loving others and preaching the Gospel was my purpose in life. This was the beginning of my journey to healing and restoration. 

I had missions on my heart the moment I returned from Kenya. My family described my transformation as instant. I was a completely different person. I was happy again, I was able to discipline myself to complete tasks, I had a purpose. I encountered several challenges in the next few years: heartbreak, sexual assault, loss, failure, but one thing remained constant. I was completely and utterly certain of my calling. I fought it often, but I knew that God had called me to missions. 

I spent the next few years growing immensely in my faith. God has been faithful to refine me every step of the way. I went on several more missions trips and beefed up my knowledge of other cultures and religions so that I could understand them better and witness to them. In August of 2018, I began college at Azusa Pacific University. I chose to major in Christian Ministries so that I could better understand my faith before I went out to the world. God has been so faithful to wreck my plans whenever He sees a greater calling. 

In my sophomore year, the COVID-19 pandemic hit. I was separated from my friends, roommates, and classmates. As I delved deeper into my studies and maintained my friendships, I grew closer than ever to God. Then, one night, I heard Him speak. I knew that I had to graduate as soon as possible in order to pursue full-time ministry, as He had called me to 5 years prior. This seemed impossible. Moreover, I wasn’t sure I wanted it. I love my school, I love my friends, I love studying, but I realized that I could not, in good faith, ignore God. I took steps to research the possibilities for graduation, and God provided every step of the way. 

At my core, my greatest goal is simply to preach the Gospel and help others. God has brought me through so much. Every ounce of my trust in Him does not come from me, but was a gift from Christ. I am excited to endeavour on this journey to follow Him into ministry. 

My faith in Christ saved my life. God used incredible people to push me further along the path until I finally had the strength to get up, take my mat, and walk. I pray that you will do the same, wherever God calls you.